


Command

by cosmic_llin



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Mentorship, Pre-Canon, Shenzhou Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 18:52:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12305493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: She believed in Starfleet’s mission and its principles and its prime directive, but most of all she believed in Philippa Georgiou.Michael isn't sure whether she's ready for her own command.





	Command

‘I think it’s time that we talked about you having your own command,’ the captain said, and Michael’s gut twisted with a powerful emotion, too complex to immediately process. She let it wash over her for only a moment before she pushed it down to examine later, in privacy.

‘I’m grateful, captain…’ she managed, and then, to cover the fact that she didn’t know what else to say, she fell back on flippancy. ‘Though I would be significantly more so if I thought we had any chance of ever returning to the ship…’

But of course, the captain had everything under control. Michael should have known that she would. In seven years she had never let Michael down.

That evening, in the safety of her quarters, she changed out of her uniform and into a loose tunic, lit the small lamp which was one of the only things she’d brought with her from Vulcan seven years ago, and began her meditation.

It was her own version of something that most Vulcans learned in childhood, a tool for handling and suppressing emotional responses. Over the years she’d adapted it to fit her own needs, using it to identify and respond to her emotions when they threatened to become overwhelming. Even after seven years among other humans, sometimes her own emotions were still a mystery to her.

She began the breathing exercise that was common to many Vulcan meditations, letting herself sink into the calm, reflective state necessary for the work she had to do.

Traditionally now, she would separate her emotions into their smallest elements, examine each one, and put it aside. Instead, Michael had learned to sit with each emotion and decide whether and how to let it inform her future actions.

The mix now seemed to include uncertainty, anxiety, pride, respect and half a dozen smaller elements - but for some reason she was having trouble untangling the threads to properly order them. It had been a while since she’d struggled this much with her emotions. But surely that was normal when one approached a significant life decision?

In the abstract, she supposed she’d been working toward command for a while. Why else did one climb the ladder? It was a natural enough assumption that someone who excelled as a first officer should want to become a captain. And she _did_ excel as a first officer. And perhaps she would make a good captain.

On another ship. Not here.

 _There’s a part of you that’s afraid_ , said the voice in her head that sounded like Amanda, the part that tried the hardest to be honest about what she was feeling. Michael let herself be quiet and tried to listen to it.

The Shenzhou was the only place she’d ever felt welcomed and accepted for who she was. The crew didn’t mind that she was sometimes Vulcan, sometimes human, sometimes laughing and sometimes serious. But it had taken time for them to get to know her, and her them. A command of her own would mean a new crew, a crew of strangers who wouldn’t know why she was the way she was. What if there was nobody she could talk to? What if there was nobody there who understood her the way that Captain Georgiou did?

Since joining Starfleet, there hadn’t been a day that she wasn’t under Philippa Georgiou’s command. Even when the captain had taken leave and she’d commanded the ship on her own, Michael’s decisions had been guided by the patterns the captain had laid down.

It wasn’t as if the thought of serving on another ship hadn’t crossed her mind, but she had never seriously entertained it. Other captains had offered her positions, but the Shenzhou had always had everything she needed.

She wasn’t sure she even knew how to be a Starfleet officer without Captain Georgiou there, and that was a terrible thing to admit. She believed in Starfleet’s mission and its principles and its prime directive, but most of all she believed in Philippa Georgiou. If she ever had to choose between Starfleet and Georgiou...

She hoped she would never have to make that choice.

Michael blew out the lamp. She couldn’t concentrate. It was illogical to continue.

It was probably not appropriate to go to the captain’s quarters at 4am ship’s time in a non-emergency situation, but Michael had struggled with impulsiveness almost since joining the Shenzhou. After a lifetime of relying on her logic to make her decisions for her, she found it difficult to judge where the ideal balance was between following that logic and trusting her rusty human instincts. So by the time she realised that perhaps this could have waited until morning, she was already outside the captain’s door and the chime had rung.

The captain opened the door a moment later. She was wearing a robe and her hair was in one thick braid over her shoulder. She blinked sleepily at Michael.

‘I… I’m sorry, captain, I shouldn’t have disturbed you.’

The captain smiled. ‘Nonsense, come in. Make yourself comfortable. Tea?’

She went to the synthesizer without waiting for Michael’s response, and came back with two cups. Michael sat in her usual seat, and took the cup that was offered to her, concentrating for a moment on the warmth of it in her hands.

‘I surprised you, back there, didn’t I?’ the captain asked, taking the seat opposite. ‘When I said we should talk about you having your own command.’

Michael let out a shocked laugh. Of course the captain already knew what was troubling her.

‘Captain…’ she said. ‘It’s not… I don’t...’

‘Michael, you’re my first officer,’ the captain said gently. ‘You can call me Philippa while we’re off duty.’

‘Philippa,’ said Michael, looking down at her hands. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for my own command. I don’t even know how to tell whether I am or not.’

‘If you were already certain you were ready, that would be the best sign that you weren’t. Nobody makes a decision like this without a great deal of self-examination. But Michael, there’s no rush. You’re still very young. I want us to start talking about it because I think you have the potential to become an outstanding captain. If that’s going to be the next step on your journey, then we should begin to prepare for it in earnest, but I won’t push you off the Shenzhou before you’re ready. I promise.’

Michael looked up. Philippa’s eyes were on her, warm with affection.

‘I’m afraid to leave the Shenzhou,’ Michael confessed. ‘This is my home. And I’m afraid to leave you.’

Philippa nodded. ‘I know. I sometimes wonder if I should have done things differently, sent you to experience life on other starships as well as the Shenzhou. But you blossomed here. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking that the more difficult path must be the more worthwhile, but that’s not always the case.’

She got up and moved to sit beside Michael, and took a sip of her tea. ‘That’s not to say that you should let fear dictate your decisions,’ she said. ‘But you _should_ take your time. Give this some thought for a few weeks. We can meet again then to discuss it further. All right?’

‘All right,’ said Michael, feeling suddenly lighter.

They finished their tea, talked of inconsequential things. Michael put her cup away and took her leave.

‘Michael,’ said Philippa, seeing her to the doorway, ‘don’t think that I won’t still be here for you if you have your own command. Whether or not you’re my Number One, you’ll always be my friend. You don’t get rid of me that easily.’

Her smile was like the sun. Michael couldn’t help returning it.


End file.
